Dive into Her Stream of Consciousness

i told myself at a young age to be honest.

so swallowing at my reflection, i warned the girl looking back she wasn't good enough.

even worse,
she believed it.
i believed it.

Zoom Blur - Katia Dermott

i yelled at my mirrored silhouette all of her weaknesses and yearned for her to fight back;
but she stared at me unknowingly.

“who have you become?” she asked simply.

i knew myself as strong, kind, honest, compassionate…

at best, i was naive.

every day my reflection shrinks away from what glares back
because that girl,
she is losing herself.

at a young age, she was compulsively satisfied with all of society’s preconceived thoughts and ideas.
society raised her to blame everything else for her problems;
they never once told her to blame herself.

so what happens when you look at your reflection to find out you are the only disappointment?
~ ~ ~

i took my thoughts,
piece by piece,
fragment by fragment,
separating nonsense from logic,
hesitantly dove into the unknown.
i made my whole life from it.
finding myself in a whirlwind of muddled experiences, contradicting emotions, and overbearing people.
i ended up
lost in the logic,
and found within the nonsense.

i tried to keep it simple.
black and white,
right and wrong,
but i kept losing myself.

as we grow up we are advised the picture is black and white
or the conflict has only a right and a wrong,
but lately i’m not convinced.
and i hope you're not either.

~ ~ ~

i dreamt last night
the fright was over, that
my life had finally returned to its unstable stage
for no clear reason i wished for it to remain there

i loved you again
and the emptiness returned
because the stability returned.
for no clear reason i wished it would not remain there.

and i regret it
for no clear reason.

~ ~ ~

in this particular stream i found It.
the Reason.
the Reason many search for their whole lives, but never find.
i found It in this particular stream,
no, i cannot reveal what This is nor even the name of this stream.
because if i did you wouldn't understand.
you wouldn't understand the Reason.
yet in this particular stream is where It was buried and where
It will survive.

only the lucky find It,
only the unfortunate are confronted with It.

because they can handle It
the Reason.
the Reason i searched for my whole life and regretfully
stumbled upon.
in this stream they found me.
not dead or alive
but with Reason.

~ ~ ~

you’ll drown, girl. you’ll drown.
in a sea of people who are too invested in themselves.
you will drown if you depend on them.
too often i make the mistake of trusting they will keep me afloat.

i have been trying to remember when i was lost in the sea of life,
gasping for air because my thoughts were drowning me.
my stream of consciousness was drowning me.
I was drowning Me.

who was there to save the lost girl with the mirrored silhouette from drowning?

… “no one” were the only words audible as she sunk deeper into the stream.