How To J.V. Basketball


Pretty much everyone you ask will tell you that basketball is a sport.  They are correct.  J.V. basketball, however, is much more than a sport.  J.V. basketball has evolved beyond a sport and has transformed itself into an art form.  Anyone who says otherwise is either not old enough to form coherent thoughts, or supports Trump.  Also, J.V. basketball doesn’t let just anyone onto the team.  If you actually play basketball in your free time, you're already out.  It’s a tough sport, so you got to dig your old worn 8th grade sad imitation for fake basketball shoes into the ground and take the storm head on.
     If you chose to play J.V. basketball, that’s already a bad sign.  To feel 100% included in the family of Junior Varsity Basketball, you need to have no clue why you even chose the play in the first place.  Unlike most sports, a lack of passion for the sport is strongly encouraged, and while you will get yelled at for screwing around, it’ll make the experience that much easier to bear.  Games will be tough at first.  Getting on to the sleek court and finding the perfect balance between wanting to beat the other team, and remembering that you’re literally the bottom of the barrel will only get easier with practice.  During the actual game, how much effort you put in is crucial.  If you're playing an average team, the sweet spot should somewhere around 34% - 59% of your total effort.  However, there is an exception that may change that spot.  If your opponents act like even bigger idiots than yourselves, you are immediately tasked with the job of ending their whole career.  Your team needs something to individualize itself, and without being the worst, you have nothing.  So to prove to everyone that you’re the bottom dog, it is advised that you use up to 84½% at maximum.  A great thing to understand at this point is how your team is set up, and your position on it.  You aren’t replaceable, but that doesn’t mean that your teammates are required to care about you.  In most cases, you are there as the 5th player, or the first sub to go in.  You’ll never be the point guard, as that one Asian kid you knew from middle school named Kane took that position because he might actually know the rules to the game, and his killer three pointer with a turn before it goes in shot was “On Fleek” before Stephen Curry made it cool.  You won’t play down low because whether or not you're above average height or you box out better than the entire U.S postal service, if anyone covering you is even one inch taller than you, get ready to be consumed.  You’ll probably play left or right wing and miss for all the three pointers that even the ghost of Samuel L. Jackson could have made.
    The one thing that Varsity and J.V. basketball have in common is the need for skill.  The meaning of the word skill slightly changes between the two teams, but the general idea still stands.  Developing your skills as a J.V. basketball player won’t be all fun and games.  It will be a challenge, a mountain, and there is no such thing as a smooth mountain.  There will be peaks and valleys, yes, but you will strive to continue on and better your talent and the game itself.  It’s not easy to be so consistently bad that the entire school thinks you’re worse than Nickelback, but you’re still break the entire opposing team’s ankles, on or off the court.  The most well known fact about basketball is how you win, which happens when the ball goes in the other team's basket more times than it goes in yours, excluding three pointers.  Because the only way to embarrass every player who gets in your way is to beat them, your shot needs to not only score points on the board, but points for style as well.  This is done most easily by creating a signature move, or a mid-play catchphrase.  This part of basketball is the second most creatively enabling moment in the entire game.  Once you reach a point where your shot is so absurd, so disgusting, so absolutely bullshit, then the defence is all but forced to stand and gawk as you drain it into the basket every 8th time.  Adam Seligman’s classic behind the back air crossfade mirage eclipse high throw that never actually goes in shot, is a good example of this.  The ball is passed to him while he is perfectly set up for a uninterrupted lay-up, but instead he turns to face the direction of his own basket, begins to shoot it towards his own bucket, and at the last second gives it a little backwards push making it go directly behind himself.  It’s always good to have a useable one-liner on hand for good use in these moments, such as “Cash Money”.
     Now that you probably understand how trash you are, it’s time to help your opponent realize the same.  When I said that your shot was the second most creative part of basketball, I was referring to trash talking as number one.  This is an easy way to absolutely obliterate two birds with one stone, by demoralizing the enemy all the while humiliating them in front of their entire school.  You might think lines like, “Easy Peasy” and “Good Try” are great forms of trash talk.  Unfortunately, those are the very most basic forms of the art, and are barely even considered as usable anymore.  Pretend like you're in a cliche action movie or anime, where every line was supposed to be used in a fight scene.  Things like, “I haven’t even shown you my true power yet,” or “You have no chance, you might as well give up now!” and even “Same thing every time, predictable!” are all exceptional phrases.  Learning the names of players from the opposite team works to screw with their minds too.  After figuring out the name of one of the players, pretend like you know him from somewhere and start complimenting him when he makes good shots.  It’ll confuse the hell out of him and he’ll start making stupid mistakes.  Once the mistakes become clearly noticeable, call him out on it, stating that you expected more out of him.  The more pressure, the more broken his mind becomes, the more assured your victory will be.
     Don’t tell people when your next game is.  Don’t say the score when you announce a loss.  And never play J.V. basketball to play basketball. In the end, you don’t just play to break the other team’s psyche, you play to win. And to lose. I mean, you’ve got a reputation to uphold now, right?