Last Words of a Disappearing Thing
Sinking myself into another person's life is one of the things I tried insanely through my life, violently pulling out the "original me" from my body and replace another soul into it. The pain itself can never compare with the experiences I felt after and the knowledge I gained by doing so. The story behind these is an endless journey of struggles, started when I first engaged with this world.
Traveling back in time, you can see the "original me", siting as an elementary school student in a class full of 46 people. I was just like one of them, eating same food, having same thoughts, but knowing more about insects and drawing. I was waiting for a time to go to the restroom, when the bullies were away, so nobody can push me when I pee. The room was full of the smell of foods all the time instead of sweat because those were the years when we were children. I listened to my peers talking about video games, thinking about all the warnings my parents told me about those. I had friends indeed, just like the others. We played and studied and played, doing things all children my age were doing. I was bored, even thought about suicide. I told my suicide plan to a friend of mine, and she said that if I committed a suicide, I would have wasted all the resources my parents spent on me because I haven't achieved anything. Since then, my life purpose was to achieve something that makes my parents feel like it was worth it even I die one day. My life as a child ended after 6 years of my elementary school life, when I was 12.
Due to my interest in entomology, my parents decided to get me prepared for studying abroad. Although my parents knew entomology was not a career that I could earn a lot from, they still supported me and decided to offer me a chance to approach more advanced educations and studies on that. There I was, entered the Saint Paul American School (SPAS) in Beijing. During my first year, I experienced isolation. Due to only a small proportion of 7th graders with majority of 8-12th, my peers decided to join the older kids' lifestyle, left me unable to communicate with any group in that school. I developed a new personality because of that, the "SPAS me". I started to sit in the garden, watching the trees grow, listening the water flow. I "talked" to the trees silently, a communication through soul instead of words. Later in my life, I described this scenario as first part of the "Magic" theory:
The child's mind develops quickly through the age of 12 to 14. If the child is not worried about food, water, and shelter, plus is separated with his or her peers, and is putting his or her emotions into a man made natural environment, as a result, the child's mind will take a part of the information of his environment as part of the child's self identity. Due to the lack of social companions, and the instinct of survival through society, the child's ability of connecting the nature will start to develop. With the same age, if the child is exposed to pure nature, his or her mind will take too much strong informations, affect the mind with a heavier way, and will not achieve desirable results as the previous scenario does.
I received a type of special feeling whenever I walked through that garden. I considered it as a small delight, away from the chaotic world. Back at this time, I Described that feeling as: thin and weak, could be easily disrupted, like a light mist that has no smell, leaving a sense of moist when the wind blows it on you, and soon fades away. It's existence could only be captured when my world was quiet, as I was in an unique form of myself. I called it the "spirit me".
At the end of my first year in middle school, right before I turned to 13, I went to Yunnan province of southern China for an entomology trip. We lived in the rain forest for 2 weeks, observing the change of behaviors of ants whenever a car pass by. On the first day, I saw a huge spider, half the size of my palm, lying on a corner of my room, playing dead. A few hours later, it was gone, and never showed itself again. I was worried and tied my shoes in a plastic bag so I won't step on a poisonous spider the next morning. The next morning, instead of seeing the spider, I saw a frog, as big as my fist, sitting on the bathroom floor, looking at me. My eyes directly looked into its eyes, like a starring game that compete for the one who can keep his eyes open longer. What disturbed me was the fact that the bathroom door was closed the whole night, and the sewer left only a space smaller than 1 centimeter for anything to crow through. The frog disappeared when I opened the bathroom door later, and showed up again the next morning. That was the entertainment for me during the trip, guessing which day the frog will be there and how long it will stay. Another thing that disturbed me the most was an empty swimming pool, containing two things that I could always find: dried frogs and dead wasps. The wasps I found were not ordinary wasps, as a pre-entomologist, I can assure that those were large enough to give you a sting that won't allow you to stand up in the next thirty minutes. Both the "original me" or the "spirit me" were not interested in violently dead bodies, but my roommate brought back a few and placed them on our table.
There I was, standing under the thick forest that blocked most of the sun, saw all those creepy signs around me, making me feel very uncomfortable, but I met the scary one not long after. It was the appropriate time for me to see "him", after I was surrounded by the sense opposition from the trees. There was a intensely strong dark pressure in the forest. It was my biggest fear, even now. I made a simple cross bow to make myself feel safe, but it was not enough. All human weapons were too naive compared to that power. Literally, I thought I won't come back. But at the 3/4 of that program, I discovered things. Not just pure pressure, but the details in it. I felt weird feelings flowing in the forest, very complex. It was not a thing created by any single object, it was a web made by everything in that area. I copied it, in my head. Because I cannot copy the exact thing that flows, I had to copy all those informations in that area, and recreating the whole place every time I walk into it. As for the dark pressure that was on me, I was too weak to copy it. So I sealed as much as I can in a small black knife, so every time I pick up this knife, and look into it, I will taste that pressure. But because of my limited ability, that taste was only 1 percent of the original one. The truth is, I did survived the Yunnan trip, but came back as someone different, someone much older. Here comes another theory of mine:
A person's true age should be estimated by the amount of information he or her experienced. The unit when I measured this is hour, which is the amount of information a person gains in an hour.
Due to the amount of information I was exposed to, I estimated my age after the trip of Yunnan as 80-160 years old, but it felt longer. My personalities became more complex, so my body desperately needs a way of arrangement ensuring the "me"s don't collapse. The "dark me" was a imitation of the dark pressures I sealed from my trip, allowing me to view the functions of a more complex and ancient thing. In the following year, my 8th grade year, I found out that I was gradually becoming sensitive to my surroundings. I could taste out water from different places, or hear very small voices, but the most important was that I got more and more frequent experience with the "power". The "power" is a general term I use for special feelings I received after my trip to Yunnan, Like the signals I could receive from trees. For example, there were "powers" in my memory that contains a small sealed world I copied from the trip. I got some "power" from the "dark me", using them to get a glimpse of the first rules of this world. (Even now, the strongest "power" I possess came from the original "dark me", they are the "original powers".) My experience in Yunnan is the second part of the "magic theory", as shown below:
When a person is facing a life or death situation, or experiencing severe incident, the brain has the ability to enhance one or more organs in the body in order for this person to survive. The enhancement could be physical, mental, or emotional. Most of the times, the brain knows which part of the body needs change; however, if the situation is unprecedented, or too complicated to process, the person's judgment of his or her needs will be the guidance. If the situation last for an unpredictable long period, plus the person is at the age of 12 to 14, the enhancement by the brain will continue until adulthood.
The sealing I mentioned in my Yunnan trip will play an important role in the later story came from the third part of the "magic theory", as shown below:
When a person's brain stores images with enough details, graphic memory could be used for sealing. Sealed scenes are not pictures, but a line or web of relationships, presented by feeling and observed by details. If the feeling is repeated with details in both controllable or incontrollable ways, the brain could replicate some parts of the relationships, and is able to imitate the original scene in reality, using proper materials at proper time.
Possessing those amazing powers, I began to explore an unknown world, a new world full of wonders. I found my new life purpose: to master the unknown powers, and perform a resurrection. The idea of resurrection in my head can be traced back from a dream I had during third grade in elementary school. As the only child of my parents, I had this following dream:
My parents took me on an unexpected trip. I got off the car and found out I was in a village. A small yard surrounded by wooden fences, a small one level house, and an old tower next to them. One of my parents told me, I can't remember if it was my father or mother, that I had two half blood siblings, a sister 4 years older than me in middle school, and a younger brother. I was told that they were living in that house by themselves, and it was a good day to introduce them to me. I was thrilled to meet them; I thought I could finally walked around saying "I do have siblings, I am not alone". Then I met my brother and sister, and said good bye to my parents. They were going to let me live with my siblings for a while to establish our kinship. Although my little brother didn't welcome me very much, my sister loved me. She introduced all her inventions to me, those cool things she created. I was amazed by her inventions, swore in my head that I will become an inventor just like her when I grow up, assisting her works. If I have an idle, she was the one; if I ever experienced love, she was the one. She was an angel, who offered me the best part of my life, a time when I can have a sibling that I trust and love. The three of us slept on a crowded bed each night, listened to the sound of crickets outside the window. I was there for a month, but a war between China and ***** broke out. I went to the forest one day and came back knowing that she was gone. A group of ******** soldiers took her. Her talent on inventions attracted the enemy's weapons development troops. I knew she would never help the ******* to slaughter our people, and as a result, they might kill her. I made a decision, which I still regret today: finding the local Chinese army and ask them to rescue her. (I should have gone straight to the ******* army, even that meant dying with her. If I died that day, I will not be tortured by my decision after I woke up, and every day after that.) The Chinese army failed; a soldier told me the ******* killed my sister and escaped. I cried, woke up, and cried again. She was a perfect one who didn't deserve to die so young. She could have contributed to this world much more, improving everyone's life. But she died, by the hand of *******. If I could trade my own life for her's, I would. I was the useless one who should have gone; my parents must need her more than they need me. I vowed that I will erase the existence of *****, and then bring her back to life.
Then 3 years passed, I ended up being a 7th grader in SPAS. That year, I designed a simple gun, but never had the chance to make it. After I returned from Yunnan, my weapon designs started to branch out: a series of human weapons that can be made from daily objects, and a exploration of the unknown powers. My power of sensing the "powers" was enhanced after Yunnan, giving me a better chance of discovering my surroundings. The "power" inside the black knife was fearful and mighty, can't be easily controlled. Just like how I sealed "powers" in the black knife, I had my second seal in an agar wood bracelet and my third seal in a journal with red cover. The bracelet was brought back by me from Indonesia, and the journal includes my original understandings of the world when I was first connected with nature during my 7th grade year. I split part of me working on the interpretation of the "powers" in the black knife. This job was done mostly by the "dark me". I took all interpreted "powers" and sealed them in a similar object, my fourth and fifth seals, in a black umbrella and a black ring. The first five seals were my first generation "soul-weapons", that was what I called them. The first generation "soul-weapons" were all non modified objects that I imitated, interpreted, or a mixture of both that I got from "powers" in the black knife. Then I developed the second generation within a year.
The second generation "soul-weapons" includes a brown knife, seven small swords, and a golden and silver shield. They had characteristics of a combination of different types of ordinary materials and a set of early developed patterns that I designed to imitate rules I discovered. If the first generation was a distribution of the ancient rules, the second generation was my own rules, less powerful, but much easier to control. The current status of the first and second generations: the black knife, lost. The bracelet, lost. The journal, disabled, while the information inside turned to a essay titled "Human, Spirits, and Gods" written in Chinese. The umbrella, broken. The ring, lost. The brown knife, disabled. The set of seven swords, disabled while some lost. The shield, disabled. All these happened in one and a half year, symbolize the fallen of central powers I possessed. This disaster urged the creation of the third generation of "soul-weapons", but with its name changed to "H-level weapons" due to the foundation of SWORD Technology at the same period.
The third generation has characteristics of special natural materials that were simply modified by tools. The first one was a white wand made of Myrtus. I had all my hope in this one, since it was designed to achieve the same level power as the black knife had. Multiple blood sacrifices were done, while many precious materials were thrown into it. The wand can set up a connection with the trees, however, just like all "H-level weapons", it still requires my presence to gain strength. I imagined a large forest and sealed its "powers" inside the wand as a core. Each seal I performed in an object required a part of me in the object as well, which was why all "H-level weapon" can be used as a core in a "pattern". The second weapon of the third generation was a stone with red veins on it. The veins formed two people on the two sides of the stone, a boy and a girl. I sanded down the boy's half of the stone as a sacrifice to the girl. The third weapon of the third generation was a piece of red sandalwood, a type of tree that takes hundreds of years to grow into adulthood and is currently endangered. Although I won't admit this back then, I lost a great amount of my sealing power due to the fail of first and second generations. As a result, I could only perform it on special materials that match the seal. I can no longer sealing things on any object I wanted.
The the fourth generation "H-level weapons" are characterized by a delicate combination of multiple special materials. Those materials were turned into one full piece. The first one I made was a sword of bones. I named it "spirit bone". The second one I made was a sword of stones. I put nine different rare stones in it, forming a pattern that connects with the element "dust." I had a vision in "Spirit bone". I felt my room shaking, with thundering noises like an earthquake. Then a dragon flew toward me, pushed me down, and went into the sword. The fourth generation could be legendary, but the strongest fifth generation soon took over its place.
The fifth generation "H-level weapon" as a term doesn't exist. According to the category in SWORD Technology, it should be called "G-level weapon". As a suit that is already a basic world itself, as body that can be used for resurrection, and as a weapon that has the potential to possess the power of god by gaining powers from the surrounding nature without my presence, the Angel Suit is indeed a master piece. The designing of this suit took too many days and night, but the construction required more. Made by 52 types of carefully selected materials, including the remains of first generation "H-level weapons" and the most beautiful and precious natural jewelries, the Angel Suit is a daughter of this world that was given birth by me. She holds a jaded scepter in her right hand, rising all life, a sword named "star sky" in her left hand, cleaning all dirty spots. "Patterns" I drew and jewelries I added in formed a stem from top to bottom of the suit, connecting other "patterns" and energy storage space.
The "soul-weapons", "H-level weapon", and the Angel Suit were only one of the two branches of weapons I worked on. The other branch has a root of history many years before. After I woke up from the dream that my sister rather die than designing weapons to keep this world away from war, I started designing weapons. Beginning at the age of 8, I made knifes, bows, and crossbow, which I later referred them as the first phase weapons. Toward the end of my elementary school, I made weapons that were closely resembling early models of fire arms. Then, I designed, but didn't make, a functional gun that shoots one bullet at a time and requires a long loading time. I drew the design on papers, with materials and manufacturing steps labeled. I showed it to a girl that I had a crush on in my middle school, because I just didn't know what kind of gift should I gave her. I only knew the gun design was my most advanced and precious thing. She saw the design and chose to not take it seriously. She won't believe a 12 year old could design a gun. It was the first time I realized that I wasn't living the same world as many others, and it was okay to not to be understood.
My weapon design reached a new level when I was 13, in 8th grade. I took the control system in model airplanes and designed my first missile. I showed the design to my friends, but they all took it like some children's toy. I told them that my designs were not toys, they were part of an "evil plan" (the plan of erasing the existence of *****), but they laughed harder. When I was 14, in 9th grade (not Dublin. I did 9th grade in SPAS and repeated in Dublin), I made my first robotic arm rocket launcher, and my first mini pocket rocket launcher. I later referred them as the third phase weapons (guns are the second phase). Tons of new ideas and designs emerged more than all previous years combined, including the later fourth phase (thermite). I gave huge credit to my friend Tony Tong. He was the only one supporting me no matter how impossible my designs were. He was not as creative as I was, but he definitely had more knowledge than me. We talked about designs every day throughout breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This environment provided chance for the most important design to come out later: robotic suits (phase five). Two of them were made during my last year in SPAS, "Suitcase" and "Sword". I reorganized the previous "evil plan" into SWORD Technology. I started calling my designs "M-level", meaning mechanical weapons, "H-level", meaning Human soul weapons (phase six).
The glorious day ended when I came to America, to Dublin. With the absence of Tony Tong, I lost the perfect environment for designing. "There are two kinds of 'smart people' when you show your incredible new designs to, the first type tells you no, the second type tells you how". Tony Tong was the only type 2 I know, helping me achieve the impossible instead of stopping me ideas before they even begin. I tried to design a new suit called "Watchman", but it didn't go very well, never was compatible to "Suitcase", "Sword", "missile generation 2", or "robot arm mark 4". Dublin was just not a good place to develop this branch, so I looked toward the other branch, "soul weapons", or "H-levels" (phase six).
Endless forest at Dublin was a completely new nature than what I experienced in SPAS, when I was in China. My sensory developed due to the nurturing of those trees. A new term was created, "G-level", meaning the power of all powers combined, just like a fundamental world (phase seven). As my sensors became stronger, a completely new activity was started. I walked through places, sealing scenes as many as I could, tracing the "powers" in them, and collecting them as pieces of a small world. After sensing the increasing activities of the "dark me", which was growing lager due to the environment I was in, I decided to block away its existence. I cut out a small portions of myself as the screen of me, I call it the "front space". This small part of me had to deal with communication, basic living needs, and academic stuffs. More than ninety percent of me were locked away, I called them the "back space". If the "back space" is earth, then the "front space" is a thin atmosphere surrounding it. The "back space had been interpreting "powers" I sealed and translating them into "patterns". I gradually learned to imitate the "powers", and later was even able to manipulate some of them. Those I got to control were my real powers. The term power was used wildly in my recordings, but it is inaccurate. Using more scientific ways to express it, the so called powers were actually waves.
When I spent my first thanksgiving break in America at Boston, I came up with the idea of SD, Supreme Dimension. Here is the SD theory: SD, stands for Supreme dimension, was originally designed as a bomb that mix all existing powers together. Since everything has a particular power to create them or destroy them, the SD was designed to target every existing matter, and manipulate the existing forms of them. In order to keep them active, a spherical containment was designed. All powers (waves) cycle around in the SD follow an organized pattern. I represent those patterns by drawing them out and call them SWORD patterns. In the original design, when a SD explodes, it releases a series of waves, bounded together like a web. The waves will reshape any matter that is in the effective range. That range is the supreme dimension, which the SD has total control in.
But after simulating the process in my head several times, I found out the greater use of SD. Since it contains all waves of our world, and they all flow in an organized pattern, the SD is basically a world of its own. There are a lot of theories coming out of the SD theory, including Angel suit theory and god creation house theory. In one of the theories, the SD was designed to suck matters in, instead of release waves out. In another theory, the SD was designed like a reset button of the world.
The SD theory can be simplified with easy examples. I organize them in degrees so you can follow the process until the last one. I believe this is easier to understand. The 1 degree SD: a plastic bottle full of pressurized gas. You control the environment in the bottle simply by adjusting the pressure. The 2 degree SD: a field surrounded by signal controls. You control the environment by manipulating what signals that you want to put into the field, and block the rest. The 3 degree SD: a field surrounded by wave producers. You control the waves in the field to decide the color, size, and form of all objects in a field by shooting special waves at particular elements. The 4 degree SD: change the direction of the waves from inward the field to outside the field, making that huge setting into a solid device. The 5 degree SD: increase the range of waves, until it is world wide.
But the most precious thing that could come out of the SD, and the only thing that I care about, is to resurrect a dead by recreation. I call this theory the Angel suit theory.
I called my weird journey the "darkness theory", however it is not the only way I designed to achieve the current level as I am. A completely opposite way was created to balance out the "darkness theory", "The thinking house project" theory
The thinking house project is a completely different way of controlling the power than the other way I discovered. The thinking house project can minimize the requirements of user. The user doesn't need to born with the ability to seal a scenery with every floating powers in it, and trainings to repeat those memories in the head, because the thinking house will block all powers outside, controlling which single strand of power comes in. The house will repeat this strand of power until the user accepts it, and turns it to his or her own power. The house will decrease the misery suffers by the user. The user won't fall in to a deep cage of suffer by using the house. The thinking house is also more efficient, because a computer will calculate the valuable powers, and shoot it at the user. Based on recent discovery, those powers that I described, they are waves.
I found out that why the first few designs of the thinking house always turn to the darkness. It's because that they only provide a good environment for the user. The user still has to seal his own sceneries and learn by himself.
I also found out the problems with the next few designs. Same, although the bed can create valuable sceneries in night that functions similar like my brain, but the user still needs to repeat the sceneries himself to search for the most important power and original code.
There was a concept that was not very clear, which caused the failure of the previous two designs. I can only feel those things, flying around, but I did not know what they were, so I had problems with recreating them. But now, after knowing they are waves, I can start making some of my valuable powers into waves that will be put in the thinking house. According to the theory, the users body will receive the waves naturally, now the only problem is that how to make his body recreate those powers and express them out. Also, I need to make a device that maximizes the powers coming out of the user, because what I felt from myself is that even the strongest powers I released can only affect a very short range, and last a very short time, they were like a dust dropped in the sea. I will modify the thinking house project into something that not only the gifted can use, but to everyone. The old thinking house project that requires talents will keep its name, and for the new project, I name it the God Creating House.
I wrote a long fictional story called the "Revelation War", as an implication of the the world I perceived and as a carrier of the "darkness theory". The "darkness theory" gives too much harm to the user, as shown on me. Its details should not be as easily accessible as the other theories. However, I didn't erase that theory totally because I believe sometime later a person will experience similar situations as I did, desperately wanting to revenge. As a result, the "darkness theory" can be traced by examining the other theory, and will be showing itself to whoever truly needs it and has the potential to suffer the process as far as I went before I die. The "darkness theory" is directly connected with the "dark me". The longer I live, the stronger that personality becomes, until one day my body no longer supports him (or me?). "I once held a mountain of uranium, but only used them as arrowheads." When I became older, I get better at using my power, but the amount I have in total has always been decreasing.
Another thing that formed inside me, along with that self sufficient world, was a special cycle that includes of all my memories and personalities. The beginning of this cycle started when I watched a movie about a person having 24 personalities and each of them was specialized at different things, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I tried to construct different "me"s, in addition to the one I already have. I believed that different "me"s can learn lessons from many perspectives, enabling me to gain knowledge and experience of a single event but through multiple dimensions and memories from many views. As the number of "me"s reaching infinity and the quality of each one increase every day, I could finally become a complete world. My interpretation of god was always a functioning world with complex cycles within. Therefore, making myself a god would allow me to recreate my sister I met in that dream, and create a world for her to live in, without worrying anything. Everything I did, doing, or planning to do, relates to the central idea of resurrection/recreation. The crazy "power hunting" gathered as many information of this world as possible that would be used in later construction. And multiple personalities allowed me to build that world not just from the perspective of a single minded human. The easier way of improving the quality of different personalities is to be in them repeatedly and constantly changing, like a warg in Game of Thrones, but instead of me warging in to others, I was more like a transition for others to warg through. I have a copy of all my friends, families, people I was interested in, and even characters from fictions. I already have a rough structure of this world, however constructing it in reality is another problem. As you can see, the design of SD is very similar to what happened inside me. The greatest warriors were not usually brought down by beasts, but by flies and bees. I have considered all issues surrounding the "front space" are weak as ants. Those problems were just flies, bothering but can't cause any harm. I was wrong on that. The great amount of flies disrupts the already existing structure, making it vulnerable to collapse. Even a single crack will cause the cycle to feed on itself. The established cycle gives me advantages, including a monthly epiphany. Every month, there is one day I feel depressed. While pushing the depression deeper, until the limit, the epiphany will be triggered.
Ever since I discovered what I could do, I was afraid of the power of my own. I believed that I didn't deserve to possess those abilities, so I gave an imaginary "god" all the credits. Until the half way of my middle school period, I prayed like I was serious. Although everything I payed for all turned out to meet my best expectation, I still wanted to believe that those were the mercy of "god". The time I abandoned the "god" I once looked upon was when "the imagination became reality". The "god" I imagined became real, and was strong enough to ask sacrifices from me. I turned away and started another path. If I can make an imaginary "god" became real, why can't I make myself a god? By doing so, it will be much easier to resurrect my dreamed sister. This idea only left for half a year, until I was aware that there were too many restrictions on this path (also I was much weaker than before). So I turned back at that "god" I imagined earlier and asked for a deal: let me resurrect my dreamed sister, and I would do whatever it wants. I never knew if that thing agreed on my deal or not, but I guess I will be able to find out when my wish comes true. Knowing that I might have the ability to create "gods", I started all the related projects 2 years later. "The thinking house project ", "the god creation house", "darkness", "the mummy house project", and "the angel suit" were all products from that period. I didn't mind if I become too powerful, or any other thing to become powerful, as long as we are under proper control. "I planted this seed deep in me when I had that idea", and later it grows into a tree that shapes me as a mighty sword instead of the one using it. I do have low self esteem, never believed that I could do the absolutely right thing like all the heroes did. I know I just have to be good at my part, creating a mighty sword that cuts through everything, and let the heroes decide how to use it.
My memories started to become weaker and weaker, not because I was not remembering things, but because I remembered too much. All the scenes I sealed and the informations in them are taking to much space. Every drop of moments I have during my day time gets lost in the vast ocean of memory. The moments, they are always there, just nearly impossible to search them out. There was a river formed in my memory between and after Yunnan trip. My years before the Yunnan trip became such a small proportion compared to my whole existence that I doubted if I had really been through all those years, or if I was just wondering in the Yunnan forest before I came to Beijing. I recalled my childhood memory when I found some pictures when I was a child, which convinced me that I was young once.
I do have a very weird understanding of love based on my experience. When I was in elementary school, I had a really good female friend who was willing to find insects with me during lunch break. It lasted for a year and we started to hate each other based on arguments of some minor issues. The girl I was really attracted to was my classmate in SPAS during my 7th grade. While all my peers were playing with the older kids, she and I talked and played with each other. Then she left SPAS, went to New York, and never talked to me again. I had a "girlfriend" during my 9th grade in SPAS. The reason why I put quotation marks on that is because I told my friends about our relationship and she did the same. We never kissed, never hold hands, and never hugged. We broke up only after a month after she belittled my three strong field: entomology, robotic, and art. I preserved all of our chatting records, from the day we met, until the day we stopped. This relationship, combined with my previous experiences, were my study materials for human relations. I went through the record many times, pulling out every decision she and I made and valuing them.
Grew up under the deep influence of Buddhism in China, my early religious status could be defined as so. But later, after my trip to Yunnan, I found out that none of the existing religions make sense to me, so I decided to create a more intelligent one. I believed that there are three stages of religion. The first stage is worshipping. People worship those powers they don't understand and therefore admire those. The second stage is self improving. Enlightened people try to control or possess powers they just discovered. The third stage is creating. People after enlightenment try to erase the existing rules or powers and start to create their new rules. I had been through all those stages and not yet discover a fourth stage. According to human society, there are only two gods. The first one is a type of enhanced human that possess powers ahead of time. I tried to create those through my different projects. The second one is the initial rule of the universe itself, or the "define" of a program. If matters are divided into their smallest forms, what left will be the rule that defines their existence. If god is the creator, then god is the rule. This god, unfortunately, I am not able to achieve or create. "Gods are the supreme powers of this world, above them, is the creator." I compared my own philosophy of world with existing religion and found it is most similar to Taoism. I think Taoism is the early form of science that values not only numbers, but also logics. While other religions focused on human, creating a better society, Taoism focused on nature powers, and how we human interact with those.
Ever since I diverged from the main society at 9th grade in SPAS, I haven't paid much attention to society. To calm my concerns of this society, I made some basic rules that solve the problems. All issues can be solved with a group of people who have decent amount of knowledge and are able to talk with reasons and logic. All people should be separated to people can be reason with and people who can't. Those who can be reason with will come up a solution, which later will be used as a rule to force upon everyone. Humanity will fall, only a matter of time. What we do need to decide is that whether we want to survive or thrive. As someone who always planed to disappear, I should not allow society issues to bother me. I should draw two circles that surround me. Anything that stepped in the outer circle will trigger a warning and those that stepped in the inner circle will be erased.
Based on my understanding, I ranked every living and non living thing. The bottom level rising upward are object, spirit one, spirit two, spirit three, pre human, human, human max, pre planet, planet max, star one, star two, star three, pre god. A normal human fall in the category "human", while a caterpillar fall in the category "spirit two." I identify my self as "human," who see "pre human" as no bigger than ants and flies. I want to resurrect/recreate my dreamed sister as "planet max," which is equivalent to the earth we live on. All my "soul weapons," including those were lost and disabled, if are used correctly, will barely reach "pre planet." A "pre planet" level weapon has the ability to seal a continent totally and erase its existence. All human were born as "spirit three" and became "pre human" when they are senile.
If my peak was when I possessed multiple powers easily, then my fall would be when I accomplished the angel suit. I once promised that if I get to talk with my dreamed sister for more than an hour, then I will be happily to let go this world and disappear, and if I can resurrect her, I will be happily to sacrifice my life, or all life, to do so. Although I had experienced thousand of years, I still only have 20 human years to finish my vows. I considered replacing me with her a life purpose, and as reason why I haven't disappeared already. "If angry, fight. If sad, cry. If love, protect. If regret, offset." Resurrecting her would release part of my guilt of not dying with her that day, and I can finally fall asleep calmly. The long path I walked through must lead to some type of useful achievement. Performing an impossible resurrection on her will be the best way I spend my life. The seed that was planted deep in my brain grew into a tree later in my life, which I had been climbing on until I reach the top and the branches no longer support my weight. The night I finished the inner frame for the Angel Suit, I had a special dream, which was a sign for the end of my purpose. The entire dream was long, but all I get to remember was only one sentence. I remembered that I was talking to a female, saying that my parents are coming to pick me up instead of her. I especially highlighted "me" because we are siblings. Yes she lived in an ultimate world for a long time. By forging the Angel Suit, I finally get to see her again. Although I will not live until the day she will be truly resurrected, seeing her in that dream fulfilled my final wish. Some distant time after I disappear, the Angel Suit will be gathering enough life powers and recreate a soul of my dreamed sister. She will then follow the rules I set inside the suit, and finally becomes a god.
The three passages I wrote,"Human, Spirit, and God", "Revelation War", and "Last Words of a Disappearing Thing" and be organized as following:
When you see it as a person's life, being born is "HSG", young adult life is "Revelation War", and before death is "LWDT".
When you see it chronologically, the story goes from "HSG" to "LWDT" to "Revelation War".
The order I wrote those are "HSG" at seventh grade, "Revelation War" at ninth grade, and "LWDT" at eleventh grade.